Babblings, Blatherings and Blusters

Masochists Explained--Maybe!

2011-09-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

I am attending the joint educational conference of the American Society of Pain Management Nurses and the International Nurses Society on Addictions.

I’ve known for a long time about the research on the pleasure side of the neurobiology of the brain, especially as it relates to addiction. However, I did not know much about the neurobiology of pain in the brain.

Almost at the very beginning of the keynote address, a slide was shown that charted the areas of the brain that are involved in both the pain and pleasure circuits. The areas of overlap were nothing short of amazing. And the speaker stated, “Pain responses are paired with pleasure responses.” (I am currently looking for a clear picture that I can post showing the overlap to illustrate what I’ve been saying here.)

For years I have wondered about how masochists manage to transmit pain into pleasure. After seeing this overlap, I now wonder why there aren’t more of us!

For those interested in learning more about some of this area (and I’ll admit I haven’t quite finished it myself), I recommend The Compass of Pleasure, by David J. Linden. It’s available on Kindle, but if you aren’t well acquainted with brain anatomy, you might find the hardback more helpful as the diagrams on the Kindle are difficult to see.

I’m not expecting any more Ahh! Haa! moments at the conference based on what else I’ve elected to attend; however, if there is anything else, you’ll be the first to know.

And stay tuned as I learn more about the neurology of pain from some educators I’ve met here who will be sending me more information.

So now we have an explanation for masochism—but not about those sadists! Anyone care to weigh in?

Please Check This Out

2011-07-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

One of the delightful things that helped get me out of my rut is a friend who requested emails about what fantasies I've had in the past about spanking. At the same time, I discovered The Kilahara Library of Spanking Fiction which is the biggest collection of stories in this genre I’ve ever seen. And somehow, I got the idea that I could turn one of those fantasies into a story. So I did.

It is now a part of The Library. Yes, they did accept it.

So a special thank you to my friend for encouraging me to express a part of myself that has long lain dormant.

Missing in Action-Old Friends

2011-07-30T13:10:00.001-07:00

One of the saddest things about returning has been the discovery of old friends gone missing. Raven of Skin Prayers, Pain Healer and LibraryGirl, if you are still out there, would you please contact me. Now that “I’m back” to myself, I’d really like to be in touch with you again.

For anyone wishing to email me directly, the address is LynLass@gmail.com.

Thank you for your attention to this non-paid commercial announcement.

Drought and Depression

2011-07-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

For those of you who live in places other than Texas, for much of the last six months we have been under either exceptional or extreme drought. Until yesterday, we’d had ½ inch rain in the yard for those six months. I know because I have several rain gauges scattered around the property. In the last 24 hours we’ve had three thunderstorms pass through giving us a whole inch of rain. Now that doesn’t solve everything, the temperatures are already in the upper 90s today and next week promises triple digits with no more rain.

Drought is bad; it saps the life out of everything. I suspect it makes the plants and animals depressed. So I’ve been mixing some really cool stuff called Turface into my compost; it’s used on baseball fields to keep the soil from compacting and helps conserve the available moisture. I’ve been using my magic mix around every important plant, building up the sides so there’s a well around each plant to catch and hold any water that comes it’s way. I’d been working on it for a while and just when I finished the rain come! Actually the first rain came as I was cleaning up and getting ready to come inside.

When I look back over the last three-and-a-half years, I think I, too, was in an extended drought. Yes, I loved my work (except for my immediate supervisor) and I was very good at what I do. At the same time, however, I struggled with a lot of depression. Now that I’m no longer there, I realize that the soil of my life had become compacted, hard like dried out clay; there was no Turface in my life.

Part of that was because of the amount of time I gave to the job; I didn’t have time to play, not even on-line. That was my fault; I didn’t draw the lines that let me make the time. In fairness to myself, however, I did not see what was happening; it snuck up on me gradually. Now, it is becoming increasingly clear that I am coming back to myself; finding ways to meet my own needs, not just what everyone else wants from me.

Working in my garden, even in the drought, I see the possibilities that are emerging for both the property and for me. I cannot control the external drought; I have learned valuable lessons about preventing another internal one. Once I am again involved in full time work, I will schedule “me time” as a non-negotiable; I need it too much not to protect it.

I have reconnected with an old friend in the life style and that was very liberating. And I was amazed at how quickly some of you responded when I wrote that I was back. Thank you for your warm welcome back; I really feel that this is where I belong.

It's Been a Long Time....

2011-07-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

Nearly 4 years ago, I posted a bit about my new job...

It proved to be consuming. I not only quit blogging; I stopped reading much on-line as well. And I quit writing anything but work related items. Now I no longer have that job and having gotten over the grieving for it, I have recently found myself writing some things at the request of a friend. And I discovered again, that I enjoy playing with words.

So today I spent several hours cleaning this site of all of the spam.

I plan to continue Babbling once again. I'm glad to be back.

2007-10-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted much recently. I’ve just started a new job; that can be distracting to say the least. One of the experiences of starting that position is lots of orientation. There was one session that was held in a Wellness Center that had a lot of very nice amenities; the one that surprised me most was a small labyrinth in the courtyard. For those unfamiliar, labyrinths are used for walking meditation. They go back to ancient times, think of the Minotaur, and are found in many different cultures. Since I was looking for something refreshing during my lunch hour, I decided to walk it. Several interesting observations occurred as I did.

Like life, this labyrinth curved through both light and dark areas. And while on your way to the center you never are on the same path twice, you do pass next to areas you’ve passed before. When you pass those areas however, the rocks and plantings are seen from a different angle, once again changing your experience of them. The trip out “back to the world” utilizes the same pathways as the way in, but once again, everything is changed by the difference in how you view the path and the divisions between sections as well as the passage of time. How does this relate to this thing that we do? I found some interesting ideas.

No spanking will ever be the same as any other. It doesn’t matter that you try to do the same thing as the last time, that you are playing the same role with the same partner. Even the last experience will influence how you perceive this one.

There are times when the spankings will be dark and edgier. There will be times when they can be light and frothy. There are times when the light shed by the spanking adds a sharpness and clarity to the passage on which we find ourselves. There will be times when the dark spanking we are experiencing will allow us to better see the area of our life where the light-giving spankings may have occurred and what it did for us. Sometimes we can see to a different section of the walkway that was dark when we were there but because the clouds have shifted, it has now become light.

On another level, each spanking can be likened to walking the labyrinth. There is a way in to the center, it may be a role play; it may be corner time. There is always something that leads up to the spanking. As we walk that path either as a top or a bottom, there are changes that occur in our thinking and our physical reactions. What bottom hasn’t at some time, felt that nervousness, the clenching in the gut of anticipation? The hyperawareness of one’s sit-spot? Sometimes even the slickness of desire that builds at the same time? (Tops, feel free to comment here, I don’t know what you feel in the way of anticipatory preparation.) At the center is the spanking itself, just as in the labyrinth there was an open space and a large rock where I would have been able to sit. (Or someone could have been seated and pulled me across his lap!) And following the spanking is the return to the “real world”, the aftercare.

Whatever the spanking experience, just like walking a labyrinth, one does not return to the world unchanged.

Welcome to New Lurkers

2007-10-13T09:26:00.001-07:00

A special welcome and thank you to those of you who choose to De-Lurk on Love Our Lurkers Day! I am delighted to know you and encourage you to come back and comment any time you are able.

Erik: I look forward to hearing from you again.

Serpent's Embrace: Let me know if you catch me in any historical errors.

Purple Angel: Come often and stay as long as you want.

MaggieDear: I'm working on a new one now!

AngelBrat: Glad to have you around. I'm finding a bunch of new blogs through Bonnie, too.

Hermione: Obviously we share a love for Harry Potter and friends.

Theresa: I'm glad you like it here.

Naughtybuttcute: I think a lot of us owe Bonnie a big thank you for coming up with this idea.

For those of you who are new to me, I'm going to check out your blogs, too!

If you haven't posted yet, are still lurking around in the shadows, please come out to play with us. We don't bite. I am frequently late myself, so I have no problem with your responding late to the de-lurk love-in!

Love Our Lurkers Day II

2007-10-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

I missed the first ever Love Our Lurkers Day last year because I wasn't reading the right blogs. This year I am ever so much wiser, I have not only read the right blogs, I am now writing one.

So please accept my kind invitation to come out of the woodwork and let me know you're hanging around. I have a couple of reasons why I think it's a good idea.

The first is that I have no idea who or how many people actually read what I write. Every time I try to put in a counter, something goes wrong. But even if I did have one, it wouldn't tell me anything about who you are and what your interests are. I'd really like to get to know you. [Cue music: Getting to Know You]

The second reason is that de-lurking myself eventually led to my making so many comments that I realized that I really did have something to say. So thus was born this blog. Which leads back to the first reason, I really do want to get to know some more of the interesting people who inhabit blogland.

So to all my faithful lurkers, I love you and look forward to hearing from you soon. Late entries will always be welcomed.

Spanking Fever

2007-09-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

This was written a while back as a response to some correspondence I had with Doc Tsai about “spanking fever”. As you can tell, I have a medical background and have read way too many articles on various types of medical conditions.

The Etiology and Treatment of Spanking Fever

Spanking Fever (SF) has been variously defined as just a simple increase in the actual amount of spanking administered in a domestic disciplinary setting (Lucy79) or by an obsession with spanking that may or may not extend over a moderate to extended period of time (Tsai, 2006)

At this time, the etiology of (SF) is not totally clear. What does seem clear is that the there obviously is an underlying strong interest in spanking, expressed by giving (top), receiving (bottom) or both (switch). This particular interest may be hardwired (S-HW) or an acquired interest (S-AI). S-HW interest is characterized by an interest in spanking from an early age. Symptomology for S-HW could include not being able to ignore a parent spanking a child (however briefly) in a store, spanking fantasies starting as young as age 3 or 4, having a visceral reaction to spanking scenes on television or in movies. These examples represent only the tip of a vast number of possibilities. S-AI usually makes its appearance at a somewhat older age, frequently during the teen years with spanking play being a part of the generalized sexual play that occurs during that stage of development. It also may occur when a partner expresses interest in being spanked as a part of a Domestic Discipline (DD) arrangement or as a form of erotic play. Again, these are mentioned for illustrative purposes only. Many and varied permutations of both S-HW and S-AI exist.

SF is can occur at any time in those predisposed for the condition. Once the interest in spanking has become an established part of the individual’s awareness, a variety of circumstances may contribute to the flare up of SF:
new vista of spanking possibilities opens up
a potential new partner
a spanking scene in a movie
an overheard laughing threat that “If you don’t behave, I’ll give you a spanking”
a period of inadequate or non-existent manual percussive treatment of the perigluteal area (See Tsai, 2001)
Other possibilities will occur to the thoughtful practitioner.

Many patients do not seek treatment at all, instead spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet searching out stories, blogs, real life accounts, and other forms of information. This may at times temporarily remove some symptoms, but frequently will inflame and intensify and otherwise exacerbate the symptoms instead. It never results in a permanent cure.

Because of inadequate research funding, there is a dearth of controlled studies regarding the efficacy of any single treatment modality. Instead, treatment normally is focused on whatever manifestation is causing the patient the most distress (or lack thereof).
Common treatments tried have included: hand spanking, paddling with a variety of types of paddles, strapping, tawsing, and caning being among the most common. Corner time has been tried but does not appear to be efficacious in the absence of one of the previously mentioned modalities. There are anecdotally reported cases that sometimes these treatments may actually exacerbate the SF, at best they seem to relieve the symptoms on a temporary basis.

At this time there is no cure for SF and relapses are extremely common. In fact, extremes are the norm with this condition. Exacerbations of SF can occur at any age throughout the life-span, even in the elderly (esp. the SSCs-Sexy Senior Citizens).

Some related co-morbidities include Bondage Block (BB), Domination Delirium (DomD) and Fetish Frenzy (FF). Gay Giddiness (GG) may also be related.

A Bit More on Magic Wands

2007-09-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't the rest of what I promised about Magic Wands. I’ve been caught up the last week or so in the ongoing drama of a friend and haven’t had time to write much beyond my name. So here at least is something to keep you coming back until I have time to write more extensively:

I’ve had some private responses to my last post (you know who you are!) and it did remind me that somewhere, once upon a time, I read a blog by a couple who called themselves TwiddlyBits and DanglyBits. In spite of all the wonderful feelings I have for "Magic Wands" there is no way I personally would trade my TwiddlyBits for DanglyBits. As is probably pretty obvious, all Freudian pontificating to the contrary, I have never suffered from "penis envy." Viva TwiddlyBits for me and DanglyBits for them. It's so much more fun this way!

Magic Wands

2007-09-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

A comment recently added by PainHealer to one of my Harry Potter posts got me thinking about magic wands. So first of all, I got on-line and looked up magic wands and then followed all kinds of links all over the place.

Wands-did you know that a wand was a part of a decimal system of measurement as an ancient British length unit? That may be the origin of the wand that survives in folklore.

In Tarot there is a suite of wand (another name for batons). Interestingly enough it is associated with the element of fire.

In Wicca and Ceremonial magic, wands are used for channeling energy and are considered to be more gentle than an athame that is used to command; instead it is used to invite or encourage. In Wicca, too, it usually represents the element of fire.

There is a huge amount of information on the different woods and their properties for magic.

All of that said (and lots of other information internalized), my first response was not the one that PainHealer mentions. As a female, it's always the magic wand that the male carries with him at all times that pops up (so to speak) in my mind. So of course, I had to do some reading that was related there, too. Did you know that according to Jacques Lacan men are positioned as men insofar as they are seen to have the phallus? Women, not "having" the phallus are seen to "be" the phallus. (That should take care of all of those idiots that think we “suffer from penis envy!”)

Why is it magic? First of all, it seems to magically arise, often when least expected. It adores the worship it receives, providing that worship is one of the most wonderfully exciting way to spend a significant amount of time. Secondly, once it has arisen, it is able to provide incredibly fabulous sensations in a variety of locations in my body. It can excite, satisfy, punish, fill, taunt, tease, stimulate, inflame, sooth, motivate, inspire, madden, dazzle, amaze and astonish. It is also able to provide hours of entertainment even in its absence. The recalling of previous experiences with this magic rod and the ongoing fantasies that play out in one's mind prolong the pleasure. There you are a brief and limited paean to my favorite magic wand.

Comments on other types of magic wands will follow at a later date, I promise. I've learned way too much not to share it!

Miscellaneous Information

2007-09-04T02:17:00.000-07:00

AVATAR: My avatar is based on the fact that I can trace my lineage back in my Scottish Clan to the 11th century. I am a past national director of my clan's organization in the United States. I am very proud of my Scottish heritage.

COMMENT VERIFICATION: I started out using comment verification because lots of the blogs I read seem to have it. I have become frustrated with the way it works in Blogger. It seems you have to verify twice if you decide to preview your comment. So I have removed it from this site until I start having difficulties with spam or sporge or whatever you want to call it. However, after the 29,633 word rant I just recieved I'm beginning to be tempted, but I'm not really sure that would have stopped him.

It's A Holiday Weekend

2007-08-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

As I have checked the blogs that I read frequently, I have noted that a good many people are going to be in Los Vegas for the Shadow Lane Party (someday I'll be able to go, too). That means that there will probably be a lot less blogging than usual. Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be any play time on the horizon for me. So my plan is to go back and read the old posts on new blogs I've just recently had a chance to read for the first time. That way, I'll have a sense of some of the history I've missed.

That's my project for whenever it's raining (like it is right now). My other holiday weekend project is moving five cubic yards of rose soil (Yankees, it's what would pass as fair quality topsoil up north. On the Texas Gulf Coast top soil is a bunch of clay cut with sand. When it gets wet, it turns into cement) which has to be done by Monday night. I just hope it stays sort of like Camelot this weekend-the rain may never fall 'til after sundown, because otherwise it's going to be a very wet weekend for me. I got almost a yard of it moved this afternoon after it was delivered. I suspect that I may not move very well in the morning.

Whores and English

2007-08-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

On a number of blogs that I read, I see submissives/slaves referred to as whores and other derogatory terms by their doms/owners/Masters. (For the remainder of this post I will use the term Master to be all inclusive of these individuals.) I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around this. The definition of a whore is a sexually promiscuous female who sells herself for money. If I am the exclusive "property" of a Master, then I am no longer in a position to "sell" my sexual services. Even if the Master chooses to have me engage with multiple sexual partners, because I am his, then I cannot be a whore because I am not selling myself. Any time a Master chooses to use seriously degrading, demeaning or disparaging names for his sub/slave, he is reflecting on himself and his own judgment in choosing what could be identified as poor "merchandise". And if the person is not sexually promiscuous, then many of the other calumnious names applied to the sub/slave do not really apply.

The most sadistic individual that I have ever met has never treated anyone (to the best of my knowledge) that he has beaten or otherwise "Mastered" with anything other than respect. Does that make me any less frightened to put myself in his hands? Absolutely not! But he recognizes that I have gifted him with the most precious thing I have to offer, myself. I've never asked him, but I suspect that he would feel that calling me an opprobrious name would detract from rather than enhance our relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when "talking dirty" is a huge turn on. But calling me a "slut" does not primarily refer to what is occurring or what I behave like in a sexual context. Its primary meaning is slovenly and dirty. Maybe if I haven't bathed for a week or so.... At least referring to someone as a specific body part makes some sense.

The English language has an incredible number of words. If you want to put yourself down, Master, that's fine with me, I guess. But if you want to indicate my low status (if I were your sub/slave), then why not find a way to do it that doesn't reflect on yourself?

Or maybe there's something I'm just not understanding. I'm more than willing to listen to the explanation.

How Old Is Too Old?

2007-08-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have an advantage that I shamelessly exploit. I do not look my chronological age; I do not act my age. Actually, according to Real Age I am more than ten years younger than what the calendar says. Friends and acquaintances who are significantly younger than I am frequently tell me that they can't do something because they are too old. Meanwhile, I not only am doing what they are too old to do, I am also doing more than they did even when they were younger.

However, I came to actual (as opposed to imaginary) spanking less than five years ago. The one thing that I've found is that my skin does not hold up to a spanking as well as it might have when I was a lot younger. I bruise more easily. I may even take longer to heal, though I really don't have an equivalent to compare.

I recently had an interesting discussion with a vanilla girlfriend who is about twenty-five years younger. She was worried that her interest in sex would disappear as she aged. I was able to reassure her that in my case there have been some changes in the parts of my sexuality that are interesting, but that, if anything, the lack of children around all the time has significantly improved things for me. And that I don't expect that to change anytime before I decide to finally depart this life.

Sometime last year, Swan of The Heron Clan wrote about the difficulty she was having with changes in her skin. Thinking about that and about the recent additions to my sexual repertoire such as spanking: How do we continue to have our needs met when our bodies can't take it at the levels they could when we were younger? Do I push now, to experience as much as I possibly can? Do I take things more slowly? How do I balance my desires with my safety?

In all honesty I have to admit that when I was recently around others who were younger but lots more experienced than I am with spanking and related activities, I didn't really want to let on just how inexperienced I really was. I guess some things never change.

The one answer I do know is that as long as I'm breathing I'm not too old.

Playing Hard to Get

2007-08-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had hoped to post more frequently than I have; I have several posts partially completed. I cannot currently access them. My computer has been very ill; it is currently in slow recovery. I am in the process of recovering all the missing documents, pictures, music. I know they're there in a safe place on my C drive. I've seen them there. I've tried to bring them into the various places I access them, but they are playing hard to get. I may have to just break down and hold forever to get tech support instead of trying to do it with the written directions they sent me.

At least I know they're still there.

Seeing It!

2007-08-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

I am a newcomer to blogging; I certainly understand the need for learning how to adapt or create templates for one’s blog as that is exactly where I am now.

However, given my understanding of the need to make a statement with the way a blog looks on the screen and the difficulty in learning exactly how to create new looks, I would still like to make a plea. If you are going to use black or dark blue as a background for your text, and if you want to use white or another extremely light color on that dark background, please be so kind as to use a larger size of print. For those of us with astigmatism, even with prescription computer glasses, the “normal” size print is difficult to read; it blurs. I don’t know why it’s the light on dark only and not the other way around, but it’s true. And I don’t want to change the print size on MY computer, because it works well for everything else I do.

So there’s my blustery rant for the month of July, even if I am a day late in posting it. I promise to average only one rant with bluster per month.

Life, Death....

2007-07-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

Not too very long ago, a very close friend of mine died. I wrote this several days later when I was having trouble grieving his death. The language is a bit stronger than I normally use.

Life, Death, Fucking and Spanking

I believe humans have an impulse for life and the continuation of life that arises in the face of death.

I remember being shocked as a nursing student when I was doing psych clinicals the first time a woman told me that she had fucked her single next door neighbor just a couple of days after her husband died. Her guilt over that incident certainly wasn’t something that I was in any way prepared to handle. I brought it up in post-conference where my instructor was very judgmental about the woman’s behavior. Not a lot of answers there, either.

A few years later it came up with a therapist friend of mine, who suggested that I research everything I could find on Irish wakes. Talk about an eye-opener! I’d read/heard about the drinking, eating, story-telling that went on, but somehow had totally missed the amount of fucking that went on as well. It’s been a very long time ago now, but I kept on reading. (I think the librarian thought I was nuts; I love the Internet, except for big brother, if he happens to be watching, no one knows exactly what you’re up to. That’s also true of a big city like Houston. This was in a much smaller town in the conservative Midwest.) And, of course, what I discovered was that in many cultures, this kind of behavior is accepted, sanctioned or otherwise accommodated.

With the death of my friend recently, I found that I was incredibly amorous. But for me that is also, almost always, accompanied by the need for a spanking. And in this case, I found that it was mixed with the need to express the hurting and grieving that I felt in physical pain.

At that time, there were no options for dealing with what happened, so I went to my back up sublimination attempts of gardening. I could support life, deal with the death of some things I planted, cause the death of some weeds and I at least got good and sore from lifting, raking and shoveling too much. But there was no fucking or spanking…Sigh!

The Last Harry Potter

2007-07-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

I finished The Deathly Hallows at 5 pm on Saturday. The story seemed to wrap up all the loose ends. Lots of people died, some good, some bad. And, no, I won’t tell you who. I guess I must have a little bit of the sadist in me after all!

A random thought occurred to me as I was reading. I think we are the equivalent of the wizarding world and the vanilla type people are the Muggles. The spanking persuasion at whatever level is it’s own kind of magic. We are the ones who have the ability to transmute pain into pleasure. That’s real magic!

No Comment

2007-07-21T03:43:00.000-07:00

I'll be MIA for a day or three, while I'm reading The Deathly Hallows. Two or three books back, I was flying out very early on a Monday morning after that particular book was released. Somewhere between a third and a half of the men flying were sereptiously reading the book, trying to hide it by reversing the dust jacket or covering it with a newspaper. I boldly carried my copy with me onto the plane and by the end of the flight, most of us were talking about it as we deplaned. I'll be back shortly.

Submissive...Who, Me?

2007-07-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

When I first began, less than five years ago, exploring spanking on the internet, it seemed that all of my searches either turned up domestic discipline and/or dominant/submissive relationships. And since the major difference that I could see (at that time) between women involved with DD and submissives was a marriage license, I assumed that because I wanted to be spanked, I was, ipso facto, a submissive.

At that point, I did what I’ve always done, I pursued all the learning I could get about how to be a “proper” submissive so that when the right person came along, I’d be ready. Of course, there wasn’t a dominant anyplace on the horizon, so I eventually started looking for that on-line as well. I got burned a couple of times-a so-called Dom who wouldn’t meet me until I called him Master-I had sense enough not to go there. Another who claimed to be a Dom but was really looking for someone to spank, probably Domme, him. Both of these made me somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of being submissive, especially to men who didn't have a clue!

Eventually, I did find someone who had a significant number of mutual interests besides the interest in spanking. As we spent more time together, we played some at Dom/sub, but neither of us was able to sustain that level of relationship for significant periods of time. Whenever he had something he really wanted to do, he might pull that card out of the deck, but mostly it didn’t seem to fit.

Besides, I’m a very independent, strongly opinionated woman; one who’s lived on her own, raised two children as a single mother, had significant career successes. But I do like being spanked, or if not always the actual spanking part, certainly the aftermath. So the pendulum swung the other way, I was not, therefore, a submissive, but just a masochist. Right.

Over the last year and a half or so, I’ve been reading The Heron Clan in which there is a Master, a submissive (non-spanked) wife and a (spanked) slave. It’s a wonderful, loving family that anyone could envy. Swan’s comments there have given me much food for thought. Following the links from there has led me to a number of other thoughtful blogs from the entire spectrum of submission and slavery.

And now the pendulum is swinging once again. I am not ever going to be a full-time submissive, much less a slave. But on the other hand, there is truly an element of giving up and letting go in surrendering yourself to another in order to be spanked. Yes, it is a safe, sane, consensual relationship. But letting him take you across his lap, actually willingly going there is an act of submission. Ceding control, even if just for the duration of the spanking, is submissive. His being able to hold you in place because you both know that you won’t be able to stay in position while he paddles you is a temporary form of slavery.

Submission to slavery now appears to be not so much an either/or but a continuum that reaches far in both directions. There is more than a bit of the dominant in me, though I have no desire to spank anyone. (I’m no longer willing to say never, either.) But it also appears that I do have a submissive side to my nature, that there are times when letting go, submitting, ceding control are the healthiest things I can do.

Thoughts About Pain

2007-07-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I got to thinking (that’s always dangerous) about pain. I knew that what I’ve felt in the past, a few hours after a session, has not been at all unpleasant. So I began to wonder if those sensations should really be considered as pain. When I got on-line and looked up pain, this is what I found:

Definitions of Pain:
1. physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.
2. a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.
3. mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.
Dictionary.com
1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2. Suffering or distress.

American Heritage Dictionary

Based on the above definitions, I really have not experienced any pain beginning a couple of hours after I’ve “played”. What I experienced was sensations that were not unpleasant and did not cause significant suffering or distress. The sensations I experienced lead to (possibly euphoric) recall that I smiled about and enjoyed.

Now the actual sessions can be a different story. When it moves from a hand spanking, even a very hard one, to a hairbrush or a paddle or a cane, what I experienced was significant pain. Up to that point, it hurts, but by the above definitions even that wasn’t truly pain. It did hurt, but was not what I would call “suffering” because on at least one level, maybe more, I really was enjoying it.

Afterwards, it isn’t usually long before the pain begins to somehow transmute for me. It would occasionally catch me off guard and hurt when I didn’t expect it (like sitting down in heavily embroidered panties) but even that was a good, turn-on kind of hurt.

Now I realize that this is really nit-picky, but I find that in order to communicate clearly what is really occurring, I need to be very specific. If I were not a masochist, I probably would consider that what I’ve experienced to be significantly painful. It probably disappoints the sadistic side of any sadist reading that I’m not in pain. But you have to take the good with the bad. You’d get a few minutes to give me a lot of pain that lasts for just a couple of hours and then makes me feel good. I endure a lot of pain for a short time to enjoy the more pleasant after effects for days. And there are times when the enjoyment can be even more immediate for me. Somehow, I think looking at the total picture, I have the better deal.

My Repertoire

2007-06-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

It’s very interesting. When I look at the spankings real (childhood) and imagined, they were ALWAYS about punishment for real or created offences. With the internet came the realization that 1) I wasn’t the only one that liked spanking, 2) Spanking didn’t have to be only about punishment.

I have had one truly erotic spanking; I was blindfolded and all kinds of wonderful things were done to my body, including spanking starting gently, long and slow, gradually becoming more intense, harder, faster. I can’t remember the number of times I exploded in ecstasy.

Stress Relief: Now that’s one I haven’t had specifically, but could certainly use at the moment. I know that it works; I’ve had other spankings and discovered afterwards that all the stress had just melted away.

Playful: I’d made a smart aleck remark and the guy (vanilla) I was with chased me around, occasionally landing a stray smack, eventually falling, both giggling, on to the bed (which broke) to make lots of fun crazy love.

The problem is that I spent so many years making up punishment stories for fantasy purposes that I still have trouble dreaming up something else. Maybe I need to practice expanding my repertoire?

The first step...is to KNOW

2007-06-23T03:27:00.000-07:00

I have a secret vice; I collect quotes. No criteria other than for some reason or the other, they just “grab” me. I store them on my computer, with the attribution (if known) along with the occupation and dates of birth and death (if available). They are in no order. Sometimes it’s somebody famous, sometimes it’s just something someone said that I overheard.

A couple of years ago, I was in Dallas for some (motivational type) training. I jotted down a few things on index cards which I found yesterday while looking for something else. Two in particular seemed apropos to where I am right now, both professionally and personally.

“The greatest thing is, at any moment, to be willing to give up who we are to become all that we can be.” Max dePree Businessman, Author

I really don’t have a problem with this. I have reinvented myself several times over the course of my life. Sometimes due to life changes: single to wife to single (twice), along with becoming mother and grandmother. I’ve switched career paths within my chosen profession, sometimes due to opportunity, once due to burnout, several times because funding for what I wanted to do went missing.

The biggest change for me, however, was when I finally realized that I had a kinky streak-I liked spanking-and there were other people out there with similar or complimentary interests. But herein is my current personal dilemma. I have been stuck in a bit of a rut recently. It’s time to do something different. Another quote that I’ve used a lot is, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you always got.” That’s not what I need right now.

And this leads to the quote that I overheard at that above mentioned training:
"The first step to getting what you want is to KNOW what you want!" (I don't know who said it.)

All I know is that I want something different. The problem is that I truly don’t know what it is that I want. I’m greedy. I just know that I want MORE! But I’m not even sure how that looks, what it feels like. I’m usually a pretty decisive individual who does know what she wants. I’m finding this pretty frustrating.

So instead of just a journal on the computer, I decided to try putting this where others can see and maybe give some feedback. I will post whenever the muse strikes without any promise of frequency.

You’re welcome to watch or comment on the journey.